10 Ways to Avoid Being Hired

If you’re looking for a job, you have likely seen plenty of articles explaining exactly how to favorably impress the right people. However, it’s apparent that there are many unique characters who are job hunting but do not really want to get hired. If this sounds like you, look no further for useful ways to guarantee your continuing unemployment.

The Search
Job opportunities are everywhere for people with the right attitude and the right career training, and it takes special effort to avoid them. To avoid being hired, your job search should mostly consist of steering clear of potential employment. Don’t tell anyone you’re looking for work (because you aren’t, really).

Apply for a job that you have no interest in and aren’t qualified for. It’s only logical to go after a job you can’t (or don’t want to) do. If you have never gone after higher education, make sure you apply exclusively for positions requiring a bachelor’s degree. If speaking Spanish is a must and you comprende only the items on a Mexican restaurant menu, go ahead and apply.

Be passive. Post your resume online but then check back once a month or so. Bonus points for letting your cell phone battery run down and including no other contact method. Go to bed early. Sleep late. Ignore current events and live in complete ignorance of industry developments.

The Resume
Your resume provides ample opportunity to showcase your talents. Or you can use it to make sure you never have to change out of your jammies and go to a job interview. Here are a few creative (and not-so-creative) ways to seem incompetent–or merely annoying.

Summarize your skills and qualifications at the end of your resume. Again.
You may worry that reiterating how great you are might show thoroughness and help the resume reader remember your excellence. Nope–you will just look like a redundant dolt who can’t write a resume. And you can bet that redundant dolts aren’t very appealing to employers.

Be sure to state that references are available upon request. Duh. This will ensure that whoever is reading your resume will assume that you are an obtuse waster of other people’s time. To reinforce the impression, throw in all kinds of happy stuff about your hobbies and what you like to do when not forced by economic necessity to work.

Fill your resume with embellishments, pizzazz, and sentiment.
In the movie “Legally Blonde,” protagonist Elle Woods gets an important internship after turning in her scented, pink resume. But you can do better. The more cutesy designs and fancy unreadable fonts you use, the greater your chances of not getting hired. If you can, stick a reference letter from grandma in there somewhere.

Only the technically proficient, sharp, and forward-looking use the Internet for anything but shopping. Therefore, it is not important that you format your resume to look good when it’s opened from an email. Putting links to Web sites of companies on your resume might prove helpful to employers, so stay away from that. Want to seal your fate? Use an email address with a creative handle like WillWork4Beer or QTPieKate. Leave no doubt about your incompetence.

The Interview
There are numerous ways to ensure that you don’t make a good impression when being interviewed for a job. Some folks go for classics like being fashionably late, hitting on the interviewer, or treating the hiring manager to a zillion punch lines. Others get more creative and bring pets along, eat, or perhaps flick through dirty magazines while waiting.

Choose from a variety of awkward handshakes. Firm, friendly handshakes are for unimaginative people. Go for something creepy and traditional like the Dead Fish or, if you like people to see your control issues, try the Bone Crusher or the Socket Wrencher. Another favorite is the Princess Shake (also known as the Fingertip Grab). It’s unlikely that any interviewer will kiss your hand, but what’s the harm in putting it out there in a smooch-ready position, right?

Dress to kill … your chances. Donning inappropriate clothing in an interview is so common that 51 percent of interviewers listed it as one of the most common and damaging mistakes made by job applicants. Rest assured that you will not get hired if you choose a jumpsuit over a business suit–unless you’re looking for a position as an Elvis impersonator.

Dodge questions.
This is simple: act like a politician. When asked a question, demonstrate your vocabulary by tossing in as much meaningless jargon as possible, but actually say nothing. Change the subject more often than an auctioneer on speed. Irrelevance is key when dancing around interview inquiries.

Focus on failure.
There are two eye-contact options: burn holes in interviewers’ heads with your unwavering gaze, or look everywhere but in their eyes. To properly execute the first option, look your interviewer in the eyes like an everyday person who wants to get hired would. Then widen your gaze and do not blink. Maintaining a broad grin at the same time adds to the effect. For the Wandering Eye method, focus on nothing in particular and keep your eyes moving from object to object. Worry your interviewer by periodically staring at the top of his or her head, avoiding all eye contact.

These techniques should be enough to keep you unemployed for as long as desired, or at least until your trust fund runs out.

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Hiring, job, jobs, jobsearch